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  • Listening to: Massive Attack - Black Milk
Going through more of the images on external drive.

Finding ghosts of memories, flickers of half-thoughts, longed-for photographs that I had thought were lost, and visions of a different self.

Found a photo that I've had as the desktop on my powerbook for the past two years -- but couldn't find the original file for ages. Was extremely giddy to find it, as I thought it was gone. Had a hard drive fail 2006-2007 terms, and then another get b0rked, and had pretty much figured the raw file was long gone into pixel-black-hole.

Sometimes, I kind of think I shoot too much. [In terms of ending up with this huge massive backlog of images untouched, unseen, begging to see the light of day] Mainly in terms of how fast drive space gets eaten, and needing more external hard drives -- and from a financial perspective, relatively low to no return on investment.

But I love shooting. I love just getting out and playing with my camera, capturing light, everything around me. I love playing with materials, mucking around with acrylics, wax, prints, and just seeing where my hands take me.

I forget- I had something else I intended to type, but I am not sure what it was, at all, anymore.
Sitting, going through some of the older images.

Worrisome-- can't find my 2007 images. Probably on another external drive [I hope]. Not sure what I shot, but it is slightly disconcerting not having a clue where they have gotten to.

I'm still trying to work on completing DPAI @ Georgian, down to five credits remaining, two of which are general education that I am hoping to transfer credits from Cambrian for. Am working on one this semester, which will leave me with the final Techniques and Portfolio Development classes next semester.

Still trying to get accepted for ODSP, so that I can live somewhere other than my parents', and be able to have peace and quiet -- and work on my art more. Living with them after having my own apartment [where I could leave my art in process out in the middle of the room, so that I would see it and come back to it] has been really difficult and sanity-straining.

Started exploring Second Life in the late spring, trying to figure out a way to own land in world to experiment. Amalyn Whybrow is my name in-world if you want to get in touch with me there.

Finished up another book cover for Sean Costello over the summer - Here After. It is gorgeous and an awesome read, pick up a copy :)

edit: argh, I had forgotten how brutal it is trying to do much in Photoshop with a mouse. Got way too accustomed to using the Tablet PC -- except for the having to reboot every 10-15 minutes to keep it from blue-screening [and burning my knee]. Eh, maybe I'll grab it anyway from the basement for a bit, can't deal with brush tool with my trackball mouse.
Went out shooting today with the Barrie camera club, had a blast. Waterfalls in Bala and near Bracebridge. Shot about 7gb worth of images, mostly HDR panoramas. Sleepy - sun and me do not mix well.

Working on book cover concept for Sean Costello's new novel, really glad to be doing some design work again.

Still on Gaia, I love hunting down bugs to fix. Plus I get to dress up my pixel-self all spiffy-like and pretend to be an evil overlord in a virtual economy. Well, generally benevolent low-end upper class with a penchant for surreal naked ballet.

Sleep now.
  • Listening to: snoring
  • Listening to: Massive Attack - Group Four
  • Reading: William Gibson - Count Zero
Wow, it's June. :O_o:

Whoa, I just realized it has almost been a year since I have submitted anything.

I have a ton of photographs, images, half-finished paintings, video bits and pieces, that have been sitting at the back of my mind. "Put them up, put them up...!"

What holds me back is the sheer mass of backlog.
And that it is all spread across 2x 500gb drives, 1x 1tb drive, 1x 320gb, 2x 250gb. Duplicates, multiple versions, you name it - it is a snarl of insanity. Big chunk of the 1tb drive is video footage of my lectures, as well as footage from Latvia. Which I had a rough edit of, and then lost somewhere before New Years.

What I need, more than anything, is to find a space that I can plop myself, desktop, drives, laptops in, and just sit and plow through my stuff, eliminate duplicates, organize folders in a sane way.

Unrealistic flight of fancy dreams of getting a big solar panel, and just sitting in a remote area of a provincial park, to just sit down and do it. But I know that weather and desktop computer are not a good mix. As well as not having a solar panel.

Really not sure when/how I will get a chance to deal with my files properly. Been bugging me a lot. Was trying to figure out a way to move out / be able to isolate, but I don't know when / if that is going to happen. A lot of unknowns in my life, undefined parameters, unpredictable factors, lack of control.

Some days I am brilliant, other days I'm muddled.

Still easily distracted by shiny things, bits of fluff floating on the breeze.

One of the cats was purring insanely, trying to cuddle behind my back and crawl through the sleeves of my cardigan. :heart:
  • Listening to: Delerium - Ressurection
  • Reading: Charles de Lint - Memory and dream
Quick entry just, in flurry of activity.

Got back from San Diego - had been out for Comic Con, my friend Sammi & Anthony's wedding, and Siggraph.

Am feverishly packing for Latvia - we leave tomorrow night, there for three weeks. My Poppa is going to see his grandchildren for the first time, and his family for the first time in over 50 years since he left the country as a POW during World War II.

Excited, a bit terrified - I know that I cannot record everything, but I want to.

And I'm very behind schedule on a lot of stuff I had wanted to get to people before now. Not happy about that, but hoping I will have some downtime at some point while I'm overseas that I can sit and get some stuff finished off.

Right now, I need to shove my butt back offline, phone in prescription refills, get those picked up, snag some new headphones and put laundry in to wash so that I'll at least have clean underwear while I'm there.

Totally jumbled thoughts as to what I am doing after I am back - was trying to resolve college stuff, that is sorted out, but while i was in San Diego came to realization that I am really not ready to be back at Georgian right now, and not at all sure if this trip to Latvia will calm me enough to want to return, or if it will leave me further disenchanted with professional photography and post-secondary education in light of trying to cope with narcolepsy.

Very much the sensation of being in anticipation of rebirth, renewal - in the process of transformation, but have not yet quite brought it into realization.
  • Listening to: Bjork - in the musicals (Selmasongs)
  • Reading: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
pretty. go love on the prettiness of her

happy brain is happy
when happy brain pills is inserted
but wait more than ten minutes and reverts to previous state, er, sleep.

mm. I've been blogging through tumblr. brain not- going sleepy. dammnit. i always hit creative high but its accompanied by body passing out for sleep.

Maybe I'll be more coherent in the morning. Hopefully. Hoppipolla.  Hopefully.

Loves all of you. Much lots. :hug:
  • Listening to: Echo and the Bunnymen - People are Strange
Its disorienting, encountering things from childhood that are not as remember them at all.

Then again, also applies to not-childhood things, but not as much of a shock.

I'm in Sudbury, at my grandparents. The neighbourhood looks very suburbanized now - the woods I used to play in / ride my bike over from my parents' house has new subdivisions put up; the farm that was across the road from my Nana's is gone, more new houses in its place.

Sudbury is lonely.

My back is still screwy, and trying to get ahold of sleep specialist to put together an appeal to be able to be back at the college in the fall to finish my DPAI diploma at Georgian. Waiting is not something I'm very good at, but I'm trying to be patient.

Also trying to figure out how to get to San Diego for beginning of August for friends' wedding and perhaps Comic Con. And trying to figure out how to get a job that doesn't mind the narcolepsy or back problems, or get the process of applying for ODSP started instead of getting the run-around. Lots of thinking, and I'm not very good at thinking or concentrating anywhere near my previous levels.

Nana's garden is nice though, and trying to just exist for a few days - barely have anything on my laptop that I can work on, other than a few web-sized versions to upload to various sites. Have my video camera though, and will try to get some footage to throw together when I get back.
  • Listening to: NiN - Another Version of the Truth
  • Eating: dugstuve ciijues
forgive me, this is going to ramble, wander, probably peter out in the middle, maybe get picked up again and cuddled for a bit three weeks later-- where was i?


My back is frustrating. My brain is frustrating. Current communication devices also frustrating.

Another new med to try - right now, go the cozy glow of feeling drunk from it starting to kick in... which unfortunately tends to be conquered by my body within week or so.

Its odd -- the glow feeling. I haven't had any alcohol, wouldn't mind it if I had it, as I tend to be a big whore for flavours, senseations on my pallette, especially in relation to more recent cross-signal brain processing - sounds making shinym .

Fadubg iyt, Wgat u was tying ti satL: tgese oast few nibytes are aoorixnuatekt tge nsit ckear0geadead u gave been in a while, and now the moment is gone, as I start to fall asleep.

More clarity moments, less fleeting clarity moments, oh how I miss them :lonely:

Doctor suggested swimming, prescription for medication that might or might not fight with my other medications "I put $10 on the blue bottle" "Comeee on red, daddy needs a new pair of shoes, litterally!"

It doesn't make any sense when its not in my head.

I need to take a vacation from everything familiar - spiritual journey, as it were but worded different. Money is the root evil at moment ._. Just trying to get away from here, bad memories of Barrie.

And I know I need to let go of myelf more, to relax.

"And I reakkt think I love you today"
[not sure, line stuck in my head, visual coinciding of young girl burning artifac

room is tilting, no more typing. Miss you guys, badcore. Still adore you all, I'm the strange aunt that never actually shows up to anything :/

Going to have minor ninja fight between left and right hands, and the best one will win - I'm rooting for reposting stuff on dA at some point, just not right at exact second.
  • Listening to: Gary Jules - Mad World
*blinks at not being on in a while*

Mm, cut tags.

Be interested: I have a sudden "omg can do work" from painkillers kicking in proper last night, if you're in Barrie (or Toronto and don't mind driving up), have free time, and don't mind getting a bit crazy, I am shooting some images. Model for me, it would be easier than dressing up boxes and pretending they are human. This weekend is the time line, to get post-production done to get into my portfolio to hand in next week.

I am looking to shoot some fantasy/fairy-tale esque photos in the style of, but not identical to, some of my past images. Essentially: we figure out something imaginative, drag my lights out, and shoot it at a location that suits. If you have a car, it makes life much easier. These two images are prior examples from a while ago to give a kind of idea:
2003-11-26 - Julia by anon-y-mouse 050415 waiting for her prince by anon-y-mouse

Contact via email: I'm wary of posting my cell up for mass consumption. Email if interested AND capable of getting here, we'll work out further contact and details from there.

My back/neck is mucked. Progressively worse pain since August, especially past two months. To point of far too many [most] days not being able to sit up to use the computer to do work. Frustrated. Went into emerg last night from sheer degree of screaming pain, got a shot of something that was supposed to knock me out within 20 minutes, but took four hours until I fell asleep, but has helped with pain / being able to think. Prescription for even more NSAIDs, refill on painkiller got faxed in this morning to pharmacy for me to pick up.

Have referral to muscle-skeletal specialist, not sure when that is going to happen though. Had scoliosis series xrays done in late February, family doctor didn't offer opinion / results.

Its frustrating, when have stuff I want to do [in addition to things need to do] but cannot even get out of bed to stumble to freezer for ice pack, let alone get out of my apartment. Right now I'm running on bit of tolerability offered by whatever that shot was, sheer panic-need to get work done in order to pass/graduate.

Which brings us to: graduating is going to be a very near thing. Back being mucked has meant not getting stuff done/in to instructors. Have a ton of stuff to finish, some even start, in order to give the instructors proof that I do understand the concepts / techniques that is tangible for them to mark - they know I know my shit, they know I'm in a ton of pain, but they need something to actually mark, as intentions, concepts, rambling and ranting aren't enough ;)

I'm trying though. Not giving up until I am dead: too much time, effort, emotion, stress, and student loan debt put into getting me to this final semester to give up without running my body into the ground. I am more than capable of graduating under ordinary circumstances, I know the material, I know what I'm doing in a studio, with a camera, but actually doing it has been near-impossible. Ohh, for an exoskeleton or virtual presence / brain-in-jar solution-!

Checked email for first time in too long, so much spam. I remember noticing some point last year that spam started having parts of novels pasted in - first occurrence that I can find in my own received mail is 2006-06-05, containing an excerpt from The Hobbit. 2006-06-26 seems to be first time I got a bunch of proverbs pasted together. Both seems to be attempts to go around filters based on message length or that might check for appearance of proper sentence structure, as they appeared in conjunction with attached images containing the spam message (one was stocks, the other was meds).

Does spam ever succeed in getting people to dish out money? (aside from phishing scams...) Or does it exist to simply annoy, waste time, and congest mail servers when users forget to login to check/clean up their account once in a while?

Lots of stuff has happened.
Loosing mind with classes of course.

Wish you were here,
- amy.

the rumours are true:
i have turned into an emo baby-eatting lesbian.
  • Listening to: Madonna - Hung Up
  • Watching: Buffy, season 2

*happy dances about*

Fri Feb 10, 2006, 9:43 AM
Tonight, gallery opening of first and second year photography show at Georgian's gallery. Wine and cheese, w00t! :drunk:

I'm in a good mood. We've got proper snow. Nice snowbanks type of snow. Tromp through untromped through field and get soaked snow :D

Meds are so not working, but right now I'm in a good mood, so doesn't matter that much. Now, to get myself all prettified, I might have a job as a model. :heart:

School is insane. In that, everything is getting done last minute. Reading week is either going to be work ahead on a bunch of assignments, or try to get sleep specialist to find me new meds for the narcolepsy.

I want to get in the damn scholarship show. :ninja:

I'm Here for the Long Term by realitysquared
  • Listening to: Telepopmusik - Breathe
  • Reading: Schrodinger's Cat - RA Wilson

A new year, already? :o

Sat Jan 14, 2006, 4:48 PM
*random string of expletives*
It's the new year already :O_o:

Managed an average of 84% for last semester -- not terribly happy, as I was hoping for higher, but didn't kind of happen, for various reasons.

Am loosing mind once more in classes, which started on the second. It feels like end of semester stress - and the semester has but begun.

Anyone in GTA / Hamilton / Southern Ontario who can get their butt to Barrie during the week between 8 and 5, on -not- Monday or Tuesday and wants to play model for my school assignments, please poke at me. Unlikely I'll have takers, since studio time is kind of strict in when I can use it.

Need to get with the posting of newer photographs and reworking of website. The never ending battle ^^;

Totally scatter brained. I'm sure there was something I wanted to say here that had more meaning than all of this blather, but cannot remember at the moment. Will probably remember while I'm eatting birthday cake for JR..

I'm Here for the Long Term by realitysquared
  • Listening to: Collide - White Rabbit
  • Reading: The Widow's Son - Robert Anton Wilson


Sat Nov 12, 2005, 8:17 PM
November never seems to go as planned.

I think its the change of seasons, the waiting for the first snow, that throws me off. Grapefruit is late this year :worry:

School is insane. Life is insane. I should post some of the stuff I've been doing for class, but just haven't had time.

Chris is my shred of sanity :heart:

..and the cat thinks the powerbook is for walking on :|

I'm Here for the Long Term by realitysquared
  • Reading: Camus

when it all comes down

Mon Sep 26, 2005, 4:03 PM
Already sucuumbed to first cold of the year. Need to kick its butt.

Shot an assignment last week with a really kickass model who is my communications class - I'll post some when my head hurts less. Was all happy this morning to see my matted print up in the display case in the hallway near the studios, along with other students. It amused me that the prof had put mine at top corner on one side, and neom's on bottom corner on other -- as if the deviants  are encircling the display. :D Little things like that amuse me, although I don't think the prof did it intentionally.

Course, that could just be my cold talking.

More soup, more water, and hopefully my ears won't be blocked when I wake up.

My leadership class is by far one of my more enjoyable classes. The professor just is really awesome and knows what she is talking about -- its definately up point of day going to the class, no matter how crummy I feel. Its given me a lot of different ideas as to my future, and how I approach things -- kind of like seeing a psychologist, but condensed :XD:

My goal for the year? To end up in the scholarship show, and place within the top three for my class. Which is based on marks, so means being even more of a perfectionist :giggle:

I'm Here for the Long Term by realitysquared
  • Reading: Kouzes - The Leadership Challenge

sleep on, dream on

Wed Sep 7, 2005, 5:36 PM
There is just something about Saeglópur that is enchanting. The opening notes make me think of a wind up music mechanism in a jewlery box, a tiny fairy or ballerina turning slowly, the springs creaking slightly, as it has not been opened in a while.

School is exhausting me. I'm falling asleep in general before ten, if not nine. 8 am starts on every day but Tuesday and Friday -- but Tuesday was orientation at 08:30 :O_o:

I have no idea what to make of my program. My thoughts bounce between "oh fuck, how am I going to stay awake for this semester" to "easy marks, yay" to "why am I here". Granted, today was the first day of classes.

I had a nap between morning and afternoon class, but was still sleepy. Starting to wonder if various classmates at Cambrian had something in their practice of going to class drunk.

I'm Here for the Long Term by realitysquared
  • Listening to: Sigur Rós - Saeglópur
  • Reading: Kouzes - The Leadership Challenge

The bite of metal

Mon Aug 15, 2005, 9:27 PM
So, I find myself staring at the monitor.
Debating what to write.

I have a migraine. I have been feeling like garbage for the past too long.

Got my hair cut. Helped, but not much.

Got a letter in the mail asking me today to please not use any works referencing said individual. Which was a blow, as in one breathe, he would say he supports my success as an artist – but most of my prior body of work has in one form or another been inspired by either him, or his encouragement to do things to the best of my abilities.

I suppose, this feeling is a taste of the pain I inadvertently caused him. But in a way, it hurts more than loosing anyone ever could – each work, every photography, painting and poem, is etched in my mind. They're a part of who I was when I created them – asking me to get rid of them, to not show them – I broke down in tears.

I need to figure out where my head is, as the shit just keeps piling on.

I'm Here for the Long Term by realitysquared
  • Listening to: Linkin Park - Numb

A fifth of deviant :D

Sun Aug 7, 2005, 7:57 AM
So, going to Sturgeon didn't pan out. Been not feeling the best the past couple of days, hence not being online much

I'm :O_o: at realizing I've been a part of this community for nearly four years. That's a long time, given that I can't remember if I have eatten breakfast yet.

Everyone: please, despite our differences, just :hug: and :love:.

I'm still on staff, because I believe that if we stick together, we can weather anything. Call me a silly optimist, but I love this community and the people in it too much to not do my part to help out as best I can.

Please, play nicely with each other - let this be a day of positivity and a show of community spirit, that we can carry on the vision this community was created with, rather than negative and rumours mumbled under breathe.

I'm Here for the Long Term by realitysquared
  • Listening to: Coldplay - Speed of Sound

Lose control, of body and soul

Wed Aug 3, 2005, 8:12 PM
Lose control, of body and soul.
Don't move too fast, people, just take it slow.

Various songs by the Black Eyed Peas are incredibly addictive to listen to. First time I heard Let's get Retarded i was "wtf??" But now.. between it and Shut Up -- :nod:

Galvanize by the Chemical Brothers has also been getting quite a bit of playtime in iTunes and on my iPod. Yeah, I know, it was released in what.. march? I'm always behind on the times, mais c'est la vie.

While I was out in LA for the summit, got my sternum pierced at Venice Beach. Its rejecting, as the pierciest used a straight barbell then bent when it was in my chest, instead of using a surface bar [staple shape before going in].

So antibiotics, and tomorrow getting it taken out / replaced with proper hardware. Depending on how much blood, may or may not be around much at all online for a few days.

Going to visit Heavens-Venus on the weekend - watch out Sturgeon Falls, here come the wild-child narcolepsy twins... and once again, one of them on antibiotics :XD: Hopefully this time I'll manage to take more than one photo of her artwork without camera batteries giving it the ghost.

Hopefully, if schedules aren't too hectic, I'll have a chance to hang out with Sean in Sudbury as well - he's working on a new novel that's really wicked dark and I haven't talked to him proper in ages.

..I just realized that I'm not going to have 'net access on dA's birthday :(

I'm Here for the Long Term by realitysquared
  • Listening to: Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get Retarded
My sleep is really fucked up right now. New medications.

Still unpacking boxes.
  • Listening to: FC Kahuna - Machine Say Yes

its better than being roadkill!

Wed Jul 20, 2005, 8:01 PM
a whisper of shadows, a dance in the darkness

My sleep has been really thrown off lately.

Saw a periodontist today. Now have a referral to see a neuropathologist or something about my jaw. Hopefully by the time I get an appointment, dad will be off strike and we'll have health benefits again.

Ginger Snaps is on tv. Finally I get to see it :XD:
Its so bad, and yet so good at the same time. :o

  • Reading: Ken Follett - Jackdaws
  • Watching: Ginger Snaps